Thanksgiving is Creepy Because....
1.-Nobody needs to wake up to the smell of roasting meat other than bacon at 7 am.
2.-All food is a muted gray or brown and no traditional T-Giving dish is green in color.
3.-All that creepin around the brewing pot, sticking your nose into the wafting turkey stock air planning your mid afternoon massacre...way too many false expectations and the turkey 99.9% of the time is so dry it can choke a horse.
4.-Cranberry "sauce" in a can. No really. The can ridges were gelled in there by yours truly, Mother Nature.
4.-The Parade. I get uncomfortably depressed by the Macy's parade. It's gray, cold, and Al Roker hasn't been a fun host since gettiing his stomach stapled. Skinny people just aren't as fun.
5.-The Turkey again. "...and i feel like everyone is touching the turkey all day; massaging it, putting butter on it, soaking it in its own juices"-Liz Ott
6.-Leftovers. Crusted stuffing remains, jellied over dry turkey, and crystalized mashed potatoes are your only options for a week.
8.-Turkey parts talk- "Oh save me a wing!"..."Pass over the Dark meat"-(okok that's usually me) "Got any meaty legs left?""What is it about how juicy your breasts always are Elaine!"and...of course there was my Aunt Phyllis who would tear the charred ass right off the bird before it hit the table. Barbaric.
9.-The whole concept of Thanksgiving....I remember in preschool half the class would dress up as indians and the other as pilgrims and serve eachother, share and discuss the importance of thanksgiving in american history. Miss Eileen was a fucking liar. How many native americans do you think are raising a glass to commemorate the day the pilgrims "shared" with them....Thats like having dinner with my boyfriend and his family right before hooking up with his brother and robbing their home. "But it''s ok guys! I'm the one that brought the delicious corn bread!"Rude.
10.- The day after thanksgiving.
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