Best way to screw your son before he gets a chance to prove himself otherwise...Name him...:

NED.

The nerdy chills invoking neighbor: Ned Flanders

The close talker: Wrap it up Ned Ryerson.

No clue, but his name is Ned.

TODD.

The misfit:I'll be up in my room painting homo things".

The Perv (real name is Todd Phillips)..see above.

The Random Todd I Google image searched and appeared first.