Is this real life?

During a commercial break of Sports Center, I thought maybe I was mistaken..Nope.It's real....and Mom, you really F-ed up with your stocking stuffer gifts this year..

Deck the Halls with...

Not what santa had in mind...

TROOPS GET ANTI-BLAST UNDERPANTS - bloomberg

Then what's this motherfuckin' electron doing over here?

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3060907/Black-parents-give-birth-to-white-baby.html

Hov' and G Holla....

In this week's New York Magazine the hype about two about to be released bios of Jay-Z and the original GW is revealed along with many life parallels of the two men, one of which is my favorite: "Washington and Jay-Z each married strategically....The father of our country had at least 99 problems-bad teeth, legal disputes, unruly soldiers, hemorroids. But Martha was not one." -One major difference right there I noticed between the two gents....Sean Carter would NEVER allow publication of his roids....

You can't catch me I'm the.......

Ya got me...

Say WHAAAAAAA??!!!

http://www.thebvx.com/2010/12/01/obese-shoplifters-hid-loot-in-body-fat/

And U?

Oh Christmas Tree....

NO FEAR?

I just noticed my blog has been so negative lately....

...So I'm going to lighten up for a little while...Smile will ya?

I'm an adult now......

Now show me your face biatch!!!

How to evoke depression in 10 seconds...

1. Start playing an episode of Mr. Rogers. The itchy looking cardigan, puppet fisting and "soothing tone" of our friendly neighbor makes everyone young and old feel a little uneasy. Did he really need to put on and take off his jackcet in front of us? All that playing with, picking up and moving around of figurines and toy train set spelled diddler to me. I'm sure he was a "nice guy" but I always tended to gravitate more towards Anthony the pissed off mechanic from the Bronx type neighbor rather than the dollhouse designer. Keep the sweater on Sir. Thanks.

2.Play the M*A*S*H opening theme song. It never failed to either give me a migraine or want to jump out my second story bedroom growing up. I'm not sure if it was the actual song, the amputees or the fact that it indicated that all the fun shows were over and I had to go to bed soon...... http://www.tvland.com/video-clips/mash/m-a-s-h-theme-song

3. Cher... Her movies, her music, and her face alone. Moonstruck, Mask, and Mermaids prove my distaste for the drag queen. And really? Do you Believe in Life after Love? Does she?? Her daughter aka CHAZ has moobies and a three piece set most likely completed by now, I think she'd take Rocky Dennis at this point, but even he couldnt take the bitch anymore.

4. Cleaning supply commercials...Being home "sick" in elementary school was usually a great way to avoid a social studies test i didnt study for or the forwarned puberty video in the nurse's office featuring Annie from the play who just got her period, but I always suddenly felt sicker when Bounty or Mr Clean commercials interrupted my Supermarket Sweep. These house moms always seemed way too excited and eager to wipe up their bratty sons grape juice or dog piss from the linoleum floors. Not quite sure where my depression stemmed from, but i'm guess it was either the fact that this could potentially be my future despite what my new generation x mentors were telling me or that my mom sucked because whenever i spilled or didnt take the dog out for a walk on time, the chances of her smiling and running to pick it up were slim to...well NEVER.

5. Sarah McLachlan and Jewel- Sarah for one main reason: that puppy mill commercial...I can't think of a time I was more bummed out than the first time I saw all those mangled dogs while she just sat there and sang about "silent reveries"....DO SOMETHING! SINGING ISN'T HELPING GIRL! and Jewel...no real hatred towards the chick, but I can't think of anyone who repeatedly coos about coffee, front porches, sun rays and always going back to bed that I'de ever want to hang out with. The only interesting part of her is her snaggle tooth, and I think that may be gone now. Bummer....

Lost (for awhile) but not....

ORGOTTEN..

Amy Pearlman Fb status update : Just a reminder that Amy Dougman of Amy Pearlman Collection will be at Neiman Marcus Northpark today from 10am to 4pm with tons of fun pieces!" - Hey Amy, just a reminder that I know "all proceeds go to african charity" bs means 'maybe 10% max' of sales proceeds from you animal horn jewelry goes to the poor Kenyan population. I also know that mom and dad have funded your endevours (as well as your wasted law degree) in order to keep you from funneling more and more money from your trust fund into your mom's very own Neiman Marcus account...Good luck though! I bet it's going to be such a crazy busy and exciting day!!!Delete.

Jane Mulligan: Why am I up at 5am for a spinning class? - Why don't you tell me Jane? You are the one who scheduled it...and now I too am up at 5am because my blackberry email just notified me of your ridiculous workout schedule. FYI, you are about 76 pounds dripping wet and your hair is falling out. Try eating a bagel and creamcheese instead tomorrow at 5 am. Have a great workout babe! (delete....but shhh this one may take it personally).

Grace Lichtman: So I hurt my shoulder last week doing binds in yoga. My self prescribed solution was no chatarunga this week. It was feeling alot better and then kickboxing tonight set me back again . Turns out throwing punches was not a great idea. Maybe tomorrow I will honor my injury and spin. Wow Grace! can you tell that story again?! I can't wait for tomorrow's status update explaining how spinning gave you groinal strain and irritated the area between your butt and.....oh wait, I may be the only one. Doubt it though. Delete...actually I'll wait until I hear your feedback on whether the spin experience was mutal. Delete to be postponed, but I swear you're still gone.

I'ma get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans...

Q: Why ....A: Why not...

Youth boards plane disguised as old man, claims refugee status after landing in Vancouver Read more: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/international/mystery_of_this_guy_disguise_in_Pso3jsD6saqkJEChvig32I#ixzz14PtbziHp

Deep Thoughts by a W. Village Chalkboard Blogger

"I WORE A BIRD..IN MY HAIR!"

Fuk it....We're going to Vegas this year.....

Thanksgiving is Creepy Because....

1.-Nobody needs to wake up to the smell of roasting meat other than bacon at 7 am.

2.-All food is a muted gray or brown and no traditional T-Giving dish is green in color.

3.-All that creepin around the brewing pot, sticking your nose into the wafting turkey stock air planning your mid afternoon massacre...way too many false expectations and the turkey 99.9% of the time is so dry it can choke a horse.

4.-Cranberry "sauce" in a can. No really. The can ridges were gelled in there by yours truly, Mother Nature.

4.-The Parade. I get uncomfortably depressed by the Macy's parade. It's gray, cold, and Al Roker hasn't been a fun host since gettiing his stomach stapled. Skinny people just aren't as fun.

5.-The Turkey again. "...and i feel like everyone is touching the turkey all day; massaging it, putting butter on it, soaking it in its own juices"-Liz Ott

6.-Leftovers. Crusted stuffing remains, jellied over dry turkey, and crystalized mashed potatoes are your only options for a week.

8.-Turkey parts talk- "Oh save me a wing!"..."Pass over the Dark meat"-(okok that's usually me) "Got any meaty legs left?""What is it about how juicy your breasts always are Elaine!"and...of course there was my Aunt Phyllis who would tear the charred ass right off the bird before it hit the table. Barbaric.

9.-The whole concept of Thanksgiving....I remember in preschool half the class would dress up as indians and the other as pilgrims and serve eachother, share and discuss the importance of thanksgiving in american history. Miss Eileen was a fucking liar. How many native americans do you think are raising a glass to commemorate the day the pilgrims "shared" with them....Thats like having dinner with my boyfriend and his family right before hooking up with his brother and robbing their home. "But it''s ok guys! I'm the one that brought the delicious corn bread!"Rude.

10.- The day after thanksgiving.

Untitled.

Well Endowed Playa..Seeks Dirty Ho to Sips Cristal

http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=59557&title=placing-a-personal


A pudgy, fanny-pack-wearing 40-year-old man who lives with his mother is so desperate to find love, he's posting handwritten personal ads at payphones around the city.-NY Post

10.26.10

How is it this hard to get a good solid sporking these days

Remember in elementary school on stir fry or turkey ala king days when plastic sporks were readily available?I could have gone for some good poke and spoon action this am with my fruit salad parfait. Instead I had to separate the fruit (fork) from the yogurt (spoon). This is not efficient nor is it in alignment with our Go Green movement. Help desk please.

Golden Nugget.

Time Warner Statue Baby Dong Experiences Severe Chub-Rub. Poor guy :-(

'You can see his peepee is a different color because people are always touching it,' Read more: http://www.nypostonline.com/p/news/local/manhattan/he_real_handful_mCt2LBnvtxZOjBebZ29pGJ#ixzz135mZstlb

Happy 18th Birthday Sweetheart....

"This should help you since I noticed you sleep with your mouth open"

Best way to screw your son before he gets a chance to prove himself otherwise...Name him...:

NED.

The nerdy chills invoking neighbor: Ned Flanders

The close talker: Wrap it up Ned Ryerson.

No clue, but his name is Ned.

TODD.

The misfit:I'll be up in my room painting homo things".

The Perv (real name is Todd Phillips)..see above.

The Random Todd I Google image searched and appeared first.

Happy Monday Morning Sunshine!

Blow me.

This is the happiest day of my whole life!!!!??

Dad, I knew when you said my personal trust fund definition was "Trust me, there's no fund" you were just fuggin with me!!!!

Why am I raising a glass to you again? It was bad enough the first time...

Thanks Kanye for giving all your kind more reasons to do the doosh raise the roof gestures in bars and clubs nationwide.No, really, thanks ASSHOLE.By the way i think it's my year old nephew playing the piano tune in the beginning of this terrible song.

"Runaway" lyrics-Kanye West
And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin' wrong

You been puttin' up wit' my shit just way too long

I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most

So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the douchebags,

Let's have a toast for the assholes,

Let's have a toast for the scumbags,

Every one of them that I know

Let's have a toast to the jerkoffs

That'll never take work off

Baby, I got a plan

Run away fast as you can. - Oh I'm gone dude, thanks for the advice.

REMIX...??

Run For the Corner....

Tacos this year are NYC's new meatballs. Sexy.

"Can't wear skinny jeans 'cause my knots dont fit"...Solution?

.....scoop like a puppy and kick like a....